C.S. Lewis wrote a book called The Four Loves. In it he defines the several words that are used for love found in the Greek language, which the New Testament was written in. There is Eros, Storge, Phileo, Mania, and Agape. Each of these loves (with the exception of Mania) represent an aspect of the covenantal marriage relationship. Without covenant there can be no ongoing relationship of any kind. There has to be some sort of agreement about responsibilities and expectations for future action in order to do anything together as human beings. The book of Amos in the Bible puts it this way: "How can two walk together if they be not agreed?" (Amos 3:3)

Mania is not really a love, but a demonic kind of attraction to someone else. It is very idolatrous and puts the other person in the place only God should have in your life. Examples of this kind of "love" can be found in Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet" and the modern movie "Fatal Attraction" where people are willing to illicitly, or selfishly, die for the object of their devotion. The Greeks considered these types of infatuated "lovers" touched by the capricious Greek gods because they acted so irrationally. The Bible says those gentile gods were demons (Deut 32:17 and 1 Cor. 10:20). Indeed, this mania "love" they supposedly bestowed, is the etymological root of the modern word "maniac".

Most people today get married on the basis of Phileo (fill-ee-o) love. What is Phileo love? It is the kind of outgoing concern and desire to be around another person that is based on common interests. There is usually a mental list made like; "I like horses and so do you, and I like the theater and etc...." Most people look for things they have in common with someone else in order to establish a relationship of any kind and especially one with the opposite gender. This kind of love is conditional because it demands commonalty in order for there to be reciprocal affection given. Having things in common is fine as far as it goes, but it is terribly lacking for the long haul, especially in intimate close proximity type relationships where people's "rough edges" are bound to show. This is perhaps why there is so much divorce in our society today. When common interests change there is no overarching reason to stay together.

Another kind of love is Storge (store-gay). It is the kind of affection that people have for things they are use to. You may love someone because they have been around you for a long time and "you've grown fond of them." This kind of affection can apply to a house, a dog, or a pet rock! Of course, familiar objects can be replaced with new objects that gain the same status after a time. How many times have you heard something like this, "We just love our new house even though we hated to leave our old one 'cause it was so comfortable and we were so used to it!" This love is hardly sufficient for a lasting romantic relationship! Pity the poor man or woman whose spouse spends more time with the next door neighbor and starts to feel attached.

Eros love is what everybody thinks of when they ponder marriage or sexual matters. It is attraction based on aesthetic appeal and physical "chemistry". "We got married in a fever, hotter than a pepper sprout..." Johnny Cash sings this in his song "Jackson." It continues, "We've been talking about Jackson ever since the fire went out!" The song illustrates something quite important. The initial "fire" of sexual desire wanes if something else isn't in place to fan the initial flame. As my Dad often told me "Son, the "new" wears off in relationships and there has to be something else there in order to keep it going." Unfortunately, the couple in the song is wrong about what will cure their ailing relationship. A trip to a wild big city is not the answer. But what is the answer?

The answer is found in Agape love! Agape (ah-gah-pay) is the kind of love that God is in His essence. We read "God is love" in 1 John 4:8;16. This word love is agapao in the original Greek. It means to be totally given over, or devoted, to another person's welfare. It is, in a word, unselfish. Agape is what allows unconditional ongoing covenant relationship! Agape forgives faults and hardly notices a wrong done by the other person. It believes the best about the other person and seeks to put the best and not the worst possible spin on the other person's motives. (see 1 Corinthians chapter 13 for a detailed description of agape love)

If someone is offended by their marriage partner (and it is inevitable!) many bad options are available. You can choose to walk away or to hold a grudge and play petty guilt or vengeance games making the other person's life miserable. One party can seek to coerce or control the other out of self defense using silence, nagging or whining. Some use sex as a weapon or as a reward to get their own way. This can get very nasty when violence erupts in retaliation or just plain meanness. Only when partners are acting out of unselfish agape love can forgiveness occur and the relationship have hope of continuing on to brighter and happier moments. Only people who are forgiven can offer true forgiveness. Agape love is the only solution.

If two people have agape love in their hearts all of the other loves will serve to nourish and edify their ongoing relationship. If all they have is one or two of the other loves, they will soon lose interest in each other and grow bitter over the inevitable slights and disappointments imperfect people cause in any relationship.

When a couple have been together for ten years their likes and dislikes may have changed. They may have started out with twenty things they both enjoyed doing together but now it has dwindled to a mere three or four. If they are not committed to covenant through agape love they may start questioning the reason for their staying together. If agape love is present, and ruling over Phileo and Eros, it will cause the two people to unselfishly and humbly seek out something desirable, lovely or interesting in the changing interests of their beloved. Their commitment to the relationship, covenant or mutual promise will outweigh any dissatisfaction found in each other and their love for their spouse will govern their actions.

The question then becomes: How do I get agape love inside of me and my spouse so we can enjoy a committed long-lasting joyfill relationship? Since God is agape the question moves to how can I get God inside of me to change me into an agape empowered kind of person? Jesus said, "Behold I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come into him and will sup (have fellowship and interact) with him, and he with me."

But how does one gain the ability to have agape love in their own and their spouses lives?

The Solution...

The Bible tells married couples to make love frequently. In 1 Corinthians 7:2-5 it is stated "...because of immoralities, let each man have his own wife and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render his duty to his wife and also the wife to her husband. The wife doesn't have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement (mutual consent) for a time that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self control." Hebrews 13:4 tells us that "Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed (sexual relations) undefiled : but whoremongers (those that sell sex) and adulterers God will judge." The only way that the above scenarios can work is if agape love is the motivating influence in each partner's life.

To unlock and open that door to Jesus there is something you need to realize:

You need to believe that Jesus is God (your Creator John 8:24) and that He died on the cross for your sins personally (Romans 5:6-8). This means He took the capital punishment that you deserved from God instead of you taking it (Isaiah 53:11 & 2 Corinthians 5:14). When you believe (Ephesians 2:8,9) that God caused Him to rise again from the dead, because God was pleased with His sacrifice in your place, you will have something wonderful and miraculous happen inside of you. The just claims of God's law on you will have been satisfied clearing the way for God to be free to bless you graciously and abundantly! (1 Corinthians 2:9)

You will be given a new heart whose motivations will be based on agape love (Ezekiel 36:26). Your spirit will come alive (John 3:5) which will enable you to understand the Bible (1 Corinthians 2:14) and hear God's still small voice inside of you (1 Kings 19:12 & John 10:27) . The best part is that Jesus will keep His word and will come to live inside of you and make you new! "For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision availeth anything, nor uncircumcision, but a new creature. Galatians 6:15 "Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new." 2 Corinthians 5:17

Trusting Christ to live His life through you is accomplished through faith in the truth of His word the Bible. This is the same way you first became a believer and received Christ as Saviour. I wish you all of God's best in your walk with Him as He establishes your love relationships.

Recommended Reading:

1.) Title: Grace Rules

Author: Steve McVey

Publisher: Harvest House Publishers Eugene, Oregon

2.) Title: What God Wishes Christians Knew About Christianity

Author: Bill Gillham

Publisher: Harvest House Publishers Eugene, Oregon

3.) Title: Sex Facts For The Family

Author: Clifford & Joyce Penner

Publisher: Word Publishing Dallas, London, Vancouver, Melbourne

4.) Title: Solomon On Sex

Author: Joseph C. Dillow

Publisher: Thomas Nelson Publishers Nashville, Camden, New York

5.) Title: The Final Report of The Attorney General's Commission on Pornography

Publisher: Rutledge Hill Press Nashville, TN

6.) Title: The Four Loves

Author: C.S. Lewis

Publisher: The Macmillan Company New York

7.) Title: A Severe Mercy

Author: Sheldon Vanauken

Publisher: Harper And Row Publishers

8.) Title: Eros Defiled

Author: John White

Publisher: IVP Downers Grove Illinois

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